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UGLY
DUCKLING
"He has made everything
beautiful in it's time." Ec. 3:11
One morning the Lord spoke to me saying, "You
have been a "Jacob" all your life!" I cringed and
said, "Oh Lord, I know what the Bible says that name
means...a deceiver." Even though I knew it was
true, I was devastated. I did not appreciate
hearing God tell me that I was deceitful.
This was a pretty sorry assessment of what I
had become. I had developed this unsavory skill at
an early age. Raised in an orphanage, without
loving parents to guide me, my only way of surviving
was by my wits.
I
remember lying on the soft green grass as a small
child, looking up at the beautiful blue sky. One of
the older girls at the orphanage said, "Lenore,
there is a God up in heaven who loves you." I did
not believe her and said, "Yeah? If God loves me,
then what am I doing here?"
I
reasoned that, since God did not care about me, I
was on my own. The world against Lenore, that's
the way it was going to be. I created a pretend
world, honing my survival skills to a fine art! I
learned to tune out unpleasant happenings or if it
got too terrible to endure, I would run away. I
really believed I was in charge of my life. My
thinking was that there was no problem I could not
solve, one way or another. Not only did I deceive
everyone around me, I deceived myself.
The trouble with this line of thinking was
that it couldn't last. Little did I know that one
day my survival skill would fail, and the pretend
world I had created would come crashing down around
me in a pile of rubble!
It
is easy to look back now and perceive that I was
headed toward a downward spiral. It took a terrible
tragedy to bring me to my knees.
When my seventeen-year-old daughter was killed
in a car accident, I couldn't fix it! No amount of
tears changed the fact that Audrey was dead. Nobody
could understand my pain. Oh, what a painful
realization, when, at the funeral parlor, as I bent
over and kissed Audrey goodbye, I met death head-on!
Her face was stone cold! My child was dead!
I
went home and cried hysterically for hours. My
pillow was soaked with tears each night, and I saw
no reason to get up in the morning. Life no longer
had any meaning. Finally, in my grief, I cried out
to that God up in the sky I had rejected as a small
child living at the orphanage. To my amazement, He
heard me and came to my rescue! He was not the
unfeeling, elusive Somebody up there somewhere in
the sky! I was in touch with the Living God!
The Lord sent numerous people to minister His
love to me! You can imagine how all this kindness
nearly blew me away! As far as I could tell, no one
in my whole life had loved me, but, on the contrary,
had used me abusively.
In
conclusion I would like to say that I take comfort
in the Old Testament account of Jacob, who wrestled
with God, and God changed his name from Jacob (the
deceiver), to Israel, which means "he struggles with
God." (Genesis 32:22-32).
God no longer calls me a "Jacob" or deceiver.
Now He calls me His 'ambassador of hope.' That is
my desire, to show people that no matter what you
were in the past, if you call out to Jesus, He will
turn your life around.
I
am forever grateful to Jesus Who heard my cries and
rescued me. Oh, praise the Name of Jesus! Here's a
poem I wrote expressing the futility of trying to
run my own life:
"LOOKING BACK"
Now that I'm old, I
suddenly find
How dumb I've been...what a simple mind.
Oh, I used to think that I was in charge.
I could solve anything, small or large.
Then, God sent a mountain I couldn't climb
Why have I wasted so much of my time
On frivolous worldly treasure?
God doesn't use that kind of measure.
Jesus, forgive me for every wrong turn I
took
Why, oh why didn't consult the Great Book?
You wait patiently, Jesus, with a tear in
Your eye
For mortals like me to find that "pie in
the sky".
We frantically search, our whole life
through
For happiness, not knowing we are seeking
You! |
